I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
