he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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