Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
