I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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