My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
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