party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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