Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
