apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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