i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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