Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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