I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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