nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
