It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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