I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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