seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
