The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
