it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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