If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
