The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
