Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
