captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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