cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
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