Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
