If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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