Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
