If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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