I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
