Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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