My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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