I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
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