Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
