I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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