I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Congratulations! We have a period
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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