Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
So apparently I’m into choking now
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
