i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
