i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
