She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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