you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
