I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
