I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
