She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Randomize
