They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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