We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
