If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
