They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
You ruined the universe
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
