I saw his package. It spoke to me.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
