just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
