I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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