In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
