i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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