Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
