Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
