I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
