i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
